Is Jesus enough?

Wow! I can’t even figure out where to begin. I have been trying all morning to find a name or label for my idol. Still I am unsure what to title it. Two months ago I would have easily said drugs and alcohol. They were my world, my everything. They made me feel special, like I was somebody. They changed my perception of myself and the world around me. They took me to a place where nothing mattered. Guilt and shame were lost in this magical fog that made everything hazy and ethereal. I had confidence and charisma. I was desired and envied. However, all this euphoric reality had a huge consequence. I won’t get into all the details, but basically I surrendered to Jesus. I realized yet again that no matter how comforting and familiar the walls of that prison are I must walk out. I had to either walk out or lay there and die. So fast forward a month and a half. Things are going well. Miraculously my marriage and my family survived. God mercifully pieced my life back together. I cooperated with that process wholeheartedly, at least I thought so. I tore down all the remnants of my life in addiction. My old friends, pictures, music. I prayed for God to take away the memories. In the midst of this cleaning house period an old feeling crept into my soul. Who am I? What is my purpose? If I am giving up all these things what is left of me? I have shared previously about my struggle with pride in regards to my children and my house. I left out some details that are even more humiliating to divulge. But I am putting it all out there in hopes that this somehow will break this pattern I have lived in my whole life. This year I spontaneously decided to home school my six year old son Hunter. I told my friends, family and even myself it was because my son is so smart. I felt he wasn’t being challenged, the school system is not sufficient, he spends too much time away from, I wanted to ensure a strong foundation of faith by using school time to learn about the Lord. All these things were true. Any of you who know me, know I like to make lists. To do lists, long term goal lists, grocery lists, chore lists….. I could go on for hours. So promptly after my decision to home school I began making lists. What I needed, what I would teach, places we would go, etc. I converted a corner of my office to make a classroom, made a minute by minute schedule of everyday, prepared lesson plans, signed up with two different home school associations, and signed Hunter up for every extracurricular activity you can imagine. Well things are going well. He is so smart and catches on so easily I am amazed every day. This morning during my scheduled sixty minute prayer time I realized something. All of that, every bit of that tedious, organized, over analyzed junk is another attempt to make me SOMEBODY. Giving up my destructive vices was great. But it still left me wondering who I was, if I mattered. I am constantly searching for meaning, significance, SATISFACTION. So my answer to this weeks assignment is this. Here I am. Completely vulnerable and exposed. I am paralyzed with fear at the very thought of letting go of what fragile sense of identity I have left. I use everything as an idol. My life is one big struggle to just feel whole. Always searching, reaching, feeling like I am almost there, then failure. Never good enough, pretty enough, strong enough. Never enough. If none of these things can satiate this thirst I have. Thirst of meaning, what next? I guess the answer is God. That is always the easy answer. The hard part is forcing my mind to depend on this intangible entity that I don’t really understand and putting down all these people places and things that I can see touch and feel. I am sure I have rambled on long enough. I know I say that every week and I apologize for continuing to dominate the blogs. I just want freedom. I want Jesus. I have so much STUFF I need to get out so there is room for him! Thanks