Hurt by Church
Hurt by Church
We’ve all experienced many kinds of hurt in our lives. I am very blessed. In all of my life I have never had to go through terrible experiences with abuse, and I have never lost a loved one in my immediate family. I have not walked through terrible physical illness, or faced the excruciating pain of an unfaithful or unloving spouse. For those who have walked through those trials, and more, I hurt for you. I am blessed, but things haven’t always been easy either. I, like you, have been hurt; hurt by difficult circumstances and hurt by people. I was born to teenage parents so I guess that means I started off life as illegitimate and unwanted. I was hurt by friends over the years and had to say good bye to people I dearly loved; just like many of you. Since being in ministry, I have buried too many people. The first one, a young man named Mike (and one of my brother’s best friends) in the youth ministry that I “pastored” died unexpectedly in a car wreck. I thought I would never recover from my shattered heart; it was unbearable to say goodbye. Brandon and I buried one of our youth leaders a couple of years after that, and in Modesto, we buried a young girl in our youth ministry after a horrific, tragic car accident. We spent days in the hospital holding onto that young girl whose head was covered by a towel since she had lost most of her face in the accident. Just days before that, we had lost our teenage neighbor girl to another terrible car accident. She died in the arms of one of our youth leaders who happened to be the EMT at the scene. As youth pastors, and pastors we have been heart broken to watch people walk away from their faith in Jesus, their marriage or their families. We have been back-stabbed, blamed for things, ridiculed and raked over the coals. We have even had death threats. I like to think I have pretty tough skin, but I have to be honest and say that for every two or three times I can shrug something off, there is at least one time I can’t. I have been hurt. I have been devastated. I have been betrayed. And I have been healed. The Word of God is Truth, and Isaiah 61 says that Jesus came to “bind up the broken hearted,” and that includes me. It also includes you.
I want to discuss today, an issue that the Holy Spirit is leading me to address. It is a specific kind of hurt that we will call “hurt by church,” and the repercussions it has in our lives today. Canyon Creek Church is full of hurt people. That was prayed and spoken into existence before Canyon Creek was even established, that we would be a haven, a refuge, a HOSPITAL for people wounded by church. The old adage is true “hurt people, hurt people.” That means that if you have been hurt in church, by church people, they were probably hurt people themselves. And you in turn, unless you allow God to heal you and learn to forgive, can continue that cycle and become hurt people who hurt people. But I want to go a step beyond that and touch on an even more sensitive issue:
Hurt people NEVER want to be hurt again; no matter what it takes.
I am greatly concerned over the repercussions in the lives of people who have been hurt in church. We have talked a lot about our families and the patterns and habits that tend to be repeated from generation to generation unless God intervenes and frees us. But stop and think about it; isn’t it just as dangerous to overlook the hurt we have endured in our past church experience? I am certain that not one of us wants to repeat that cycle of hurt, and besides the healthiest option of letting God heal us and moving on to open ourselves up and trust others again, we tend to respond in a couple of ways. First, we, by sheer will power, determine we will NEVER treat someone the way that _________ treated us. Unfortunately, our will power fails us and hurt people tend to hurt people; so that one is usually unsuccessful. Second, we determine that church is not for us and we will just serve God without having to be around church people. Since it is nearly impossible to grow on our own (let alone our responsibility to be a part of a “body” of believers) this usually ends in not much of a relationship with God; again, an unsuccessful option. Thirdly, and I think most commonly, we decide that no one will ever hurt us again, and we close ourselves off from the people around us. Do you know what this looks like in Canyon Creek Church today? Lack of commitment, lack of follow through, and lack of investment. The hurt person would rather not ever be hurt again (well come on, none of us wants to be hurt!) so they just don’t fully engage in their church home. Rather than get involved in a Bible Study (no agenda here, just follow me on this), the hurt person holds back, not wanting to give any “ammunition” to church people to inflict hurt. OR, after committing to go on a retreat, or join the worship team, the hurt person senses that the requirement of them will make them vulnerable, and it is easier to quit (aka not follow through) than to let others see weakness. And the hurt person has difficulty investing. Oh he/she may be very generous and give of their money and do things for others, but investing in feelings, relationships, growth is too much….and so growth, relationships and feelings are stunted.
Please hear my heart in this. This is not a soap box for me, I struggled and struggled with the direction to go with this study today, digging in my heels most of the way, but I have to obey the Holy Spirit. He wants to press His finger on the root cause of lack of commitment, lack of follow through and lack of investment. If you have been hurt, your root problem is fear. Fear of trusting, fear of depth of relationship, fear of getting hurt, fear of opening up to someone and then losing them. Fear. Is this resounding in you? Is your heart beating faster? Maybe you have masked this fear (and the hurt that caused it) with busy-ness. You have convinced yourself that your kids, your family, your house, your schedule, your job….that those things have consumed you and you have no time left for involvement in church, or reaching out to others. But in your hurt, it is possible, and likely, that you have been deceived and robbed. Before I explain, let’s look at a passage from the Bible:
“When Judas, who had betrayed him, realized that Jesus had been condemned to die, he was filled with remorse. So he took the thirty pieces of silver back to the leading priests and other leaders. “I have sinned, “he declared, “for I have betrayed an innocent man.”
“What do we care?” they retorted. “That’s your problem.” Then Judas threw the money onto the floor of the Temple and went out and hanged himself. The leading priests picked up the money. “We can’t put it in the Temple treasury.” They said, “since it’s against the law to accept money paid for murder.” After some discussion they finally decided to buy the potter’s field, and they made it into a cemetery for foreigners. That is why the field is called the Field of Blood.” Matthew 27:3-10
This story refers to Judas’ betrayal of Jesus. I have studied this quite a bit over the years, and there is one thing I just can’t figure out: Why in the world did Jesus choose Judas as a friend? Jesus, while fully man, was still fully God. He knew the outcome of His life on earth required His torturous death. He knew that all of His closest friends would desert Him when He needed them most. And He knew that one of His closest friends, Judas, would betray Him. (see Matthew 26:25). Judas’ betrayal was the worst kind because it actually involved the exchange of money. 30 silver coins were paid to Judas for his act of betrayal. Ironically, that was the same price paid to an owner if his slave was gored by an ox (Exodus 21:32). Jesus, son of God and Savior of the World, was sold for the price of a slave; and He knew it would happen.
Moving on in the story, Judas was overcome with guilt and remorse. He had made a tragic mistake and the outcome (Jesus’ condemnation to death) was a crushing burden on his heart. In his remorse, he returned the payment he had received for his betrayal to the priests who had hired him. At that time, priests were not allowed to accept “blood money” and since Judas had thrown the money at them and run (later to commit suicide) they decided to use the money to buy what was called the “potter’s field.” After much research, it seems that most theologians agree that the potter’s field was almost like a brick yard, mined for it’s clay-like earth that was used to make pottery. After much mining, the earth was void of anything to offer and was completely valueless, so lacking in value that it could be purchased for just 30 silver coins. Some research points to the potter’s field also being a place where broken pieces of pottery were disposed of, making the land utterly useless for anything from farming to inhabiting. With all of that brokenness and worthlessness, the only thing it was good for was a cemetery. What you should understand about burials in Jesus’ time, was that families always took care of the burial of their loved ones. Tombs were purchased, and family members were laid to rest with their ancestors in family burial tombs or plots. A cemetery was completely unnecessary with the exception of one type of people: the outcasts. Prostitutes, unclean people, foreigners, family-less people, those are the people laid to rest in the land purchased by Jesus’ “blood money.” Sobering isn’t it? Jesus knew Judas would betray Him, yet He treated Him as a close friend, and that betrayal bought a place for every broken, thrown out person to be laid to rest. There is such redemption in this part of God’s Word. Jesus was not deceived. He knew that opening Himself up to others would cause Him great pain; but He chose to do it anyway. And Jesus was not robbed. His death, on a grand scale, purchased salvation for all of mankind, and on a symbolic scale, it bought a place for broken and hurting people to find rest.
My fear for you, my friends, is that your “hurt by church” pain will deceive you. That you will be deceived into thinking that every person you open up to from “church people” to your spouse, will hurt you and that you will always be let down. There is always that risk, but it is not the norm, it’s the exception, and our example in Scripture, by Jesus Himself, is to open ourselves up anyway. And my other fear for you is that you will be robbed. Robbed of life, abundant relationships, of trust, and ultimately of growth. Evaluate yourself. Do you enter in to worship? Do you take time to get to know the people of Canyon Creek? Do you invest yourself into the church body that God has placed you in? It is possible to float through with minimal commitment, minimal follow through and minimal investment, but it is not the BEST for you! It is possible to be minimal in your marriage and minimal in your life “mission” but the return on that is minimal as well. I can say from experience, it is worth the risk of getting hurt to enjoy a thriving relationship with God, my church and everyone around me. I refuse to let fear hold me back. And I fiercely fight being deceived, being robbed and taking the easy road. How about you? Where do you find yourself at this point in your life? Whatever your hurt, your brokenness, Jesus CAN, and WANTS to heal you from it. Will you let Him?
Your last assignment for this semester:
Let us know where you are at. If this didn’t apply to you because you are fortunate and have not been hurt, say so!
If you have been hurt and needed to hear this, say so.
If you are confused, or need more encouragement, or time to heal, say so.
Believing this was from the Holy Spirit for you:
di
We’ve all experienced many kinds of hurt in our lives. I am very blessed. In all of my life I have never had to go through terrible experiences with abuse, and I have never lost a loved one in my immediate family. I have not walked through terrible physical illness, or faced the excruciating pain of an unfaithful or unloving spouse. For those who have walked through those trials, and more, I hurt for you. I am blessed, but things haven’t always been easy either. I, like you, have been hurt; hurt by difficult circumstances and hurt by people. I was born to teenage parents so I guess that means I started off life as illegitimate and unwanted. I was hurt by friends over the years and had to say good bye to people I dearly loved; just like many of you. Since being in ministry, I have buried too many people. The first one, a young man named Mike (and one of my brother’s best friends) in the youth ministry that I “pastored” died unexpectedly in a car wreck. I thought I would never recover from my shattered heart; it was unbearable to say goodbye. Brandon and I buried one of our youth leaders a couple of years after that, and in Modesto, we buried a young girl in our youth ministry after a horrific, tragic car accident. We spent days in the hospital holding onto that young girl whose head was covered by a towel since she had lost most of her face in the accident. Just days before that, we had lost our teenage neighbor girl to another terrible car accident. She died in the arms of one of our youth leaders who happened to be the EMT at the scene. As youth pastors, and pastors we have been heart broken to watch people walk away from their faith in Jesus, their marriage or their families. We have been back-stabbed, blamed for things, ridiculed and raked over the coals. We have even had death threats. I like to think I have pretty tough skin, but I have to be honest and say that for every two or three times I can shrug something off, there is at least one time I can’t. I have been hurt. I have been devastated. I have been betrayed. And I have been healed. The Word of God is Truth, and Isaiah 61 says that Jesus came to “bind up the broken hearted,” and that includes me. It also includes you.
I want to discuss today, an issue that the Holy Spirit is leading me to address. It is a specific kind of hurt that we will call “hurt by church,” and the repercussions it has in our lives today. Canyon Creek Church is full of hurt people. That was prayed and spoken into existence before Canyon Creek was even established, that we would be a haven, a refuge, a HOSPITAL for people wounded by church. The old adage is true “hurt people, hurt people.” That means that if you have been hurt in church, by church people, they were probably hurt people themselves. And you in turn, unless you allow God to heal you and learn to forgive, can continue that cycle and become hurt people who hurt people. But I want to go a step beyond that and touch on an even more sensitive issue:
Hurt people NEVER want to be hurt again; no matter what it takes.
I am greatly concerned over the repercussions in the lives of people who have been hurt in church. We have talked a lot about our families and the patterns and habits that tend to be repeated from generation to generation unless God intervenes and frees us. But stop and think about it; isn’t it just as dangerous to overlook the hurt we have endured in our past church experience? I am certain that not one of us wants to repeat that cycle of hurt, and besides the healthiest option of letting God heal us and moving on to open ourselves up and trust others again, we tend to respond in a couple of ways. First, we, by sheer will power, determine we will NEVER treat someone the way that _________ treated us. Unfortunately, our will power fails us and hurt people tend to hurt people; so that one is usually unsuccessful. Second, we determine that church is not for us and we will just serve God without having to be around church people. Since it is nearly impossible to grow on our own (let alone our responsibility to be a part of a “body” of believers) this usually ends in not much of a relationship with God; again, an unsuccessful option. Thirdly, and I think most commonly, we decide that no one will ever hurt us again, and we close ourselves off from the people around us. Do you know what this looks like in Canyon Creek Church today? Lack of commitment, lack of follow through, and lack of investment. The hurt person would rather not ever be hurt again (well come on, none of us wants to be hurt!) so they just don’t fully engage in their church home. Rather than get involved in a Bible Study (no agenda here, just follow me on this), the hurt person holds back, not wanting to give any “ammunition” to church people to inflict hurt. OR, after committing to go on a retreat, or join the worship team, the hurt person senses that the requirement of them will make them vulnerable, and it is easier to quit (aka not follow through) than to let others see weakness. And the hurt person has difficulty investing. Oh he/she may be very generous and give of their money and do things for others, but investing in feelings, relationships, growth is too much….and so growth, relationships and feelings are stunted.
Please hear my heart in this. This is not a soap box for me, I struggled and struggled with the direction to go with this study today, digging in my heels most of the way, but I have to obey the Holy Spirit. He wants to press His finger on the root cause of lack of commitment, lack of follow through and lack of investment. If you have been hurt, your root problem is fear. Fear of trusting, fear of depth of relationship, fear of getting hurt, fear of opening up to someone and then losing them. Fear. Is this resounding in you? Is your heart beating faster? Maybe you have masked this fear (and the hurt that caused it) with busy-ness. You have convinced yourself that your kids, your family, your house, your schedule, your job….that those things have consumed you and you have no time left for involvement in church, or reaching out to others. But in your hurt, it is possible, and likely, that you have been deceived and robbed. Before I explain, let’s look at a passage from the Bible:
“When Judas, who had betrayed him, realized that Jesus had been condemned to die, he was filled with remorse. So he took the thirty pieces of silver back to the leading priests and other leaders. “I have sinned, “he declared, “for I have betrayed an innocent man.”
“What do we care?” they retorted. “That’s your problem.” Then Judas threw the money onto the floor of the Temple and went out and hanged himself. The leading priests picked up the money. “We can’t put it in the Temple treasury.” They said, “since it’s against the law to accept money paid for murder.” After some discussion they finally decided to buy the potter’s field, and they made it into a cemetery for foreigners. That is why the field is called the Field of Blood.” Matthew 27:3-10
This story refers to Judas’ betrayal of Jesus. I have studied this quite a bit over the years, and there is one thing I just can’t figure out: Why in the world did Jesus choose Judas as a friend? Jesus, while fully man, was still fully God. He knew the outcome of His life on earth required His torturous death. He knew that all of His closest friends would desert Him when He needed them most. And He knew that one of His closest friends, Judas, would betray Him. (see Matthew 26:25). Judas’ betrayal was the worst kind because it actually involved the exchange of money. 30 silver coins were paid to Judas for his act of betrayal. Ironically, that was the same price paid to an owner if his slave was gored by an ox (Exodus 21:32). Jesus, son of God and Savior of the World, was sold for the price of a slave; and He knew it would happen.
Moving on in the story, Judas was overcome with guilt and remorse. He had made a tragic mistake and the outcome (Jesus’ condemnation to death) was a crushing burden on his heart. In his remorse, he returned the payment he had received for his betrayal to the priests who had hired him. At that time, priests were not allowed to accept “blood money” and since Judas had thrown the money at them and run (later to commit suicide) they decided to use the money to buy what was called the “potter’s field.” After much research, it seems that most theologians agree that the potter’s field was almost like a brick yard, mined for it’s clay-like earth that was used to make pottery. After much mining, the earth was void of anything to offer and was completely valueless, so lacking in value that it could be purchased for just 30 silver coins. Some research points to the potter’s field also being a place where broken pieces of pottery were disposed of, making the land utterly useless for anything from farming to inhabiting. With all of that brokenness and worthlessness, the only thing it was good for was a cemetery. What you should understand about burials in Jesus’ time, was that families always took care of the burial of their loved ones. Tombs were purchased, and family members were laid to rest with their ancestors in family burial tombs or plots. A cemetery was completely unnecessary with the exception of one type of people: the outcasts. Prostitutes, unclean people, foreigners, family-less people, those are the people laid to rest in the land purchased by Jesus’ “blood money.” Sobering isn’t it? Jesus knew Judas would betray Him, yet He treated Him as a close friend, and that betrayal bought a place for every broken, thrown out person to be laid to rest. There is such redemption in this part of God’s Word. Jesus was not deceived. He knew that opening Himself up to others would cause Him great pain; but He chose to do it anyway. And Jesus was not robbed. His death, on a grand scale, purchased salvation for all of mankind, and on a symbolic scale, it bought a place for broken and hurting people to find rest.
My fear for you, my friends, is that your “hurt by church” pain will deceive you. That you will be deceived into thinking that every person you open up to from “church people” to your spouse, will hurt you and that you will always be let down. There is always that risk, but it is not the norm, it’s the exception, and our example in Scripture, by Jesus Himself, is to open ourselves up anyway. And my other fear for you is that you will be robbed. Robbed of life, abundant relationships, of trust, and ultimately of growth. Evaluate yourself. Do you enter in to worship? Do you take time to get to know the people of Canyon Creek? Do you invest yourself into the church body that God has placed you in? It is possible to float through with minimal commitment, minimal follow through and minimal investment, but it is not the BEST for you! It is possible to be minimal in your marriage and minimal in your life “mission” but the return on that is minimal as well. I can say from experience, it is worth the risk of getting hurt to enjoy a thriving relationship with God, my church and everyone around me. I refuse to let fear hold me back. And I fiercely fight being deceived, being robbed and taking the easy road. How about you? Where do you find yourself at this point in your life? Whatever your hurt, your brokenness, Jesus CAN, and WANTS to heal you from it. Will you let Him?
Your last assignment for this semester:
Let us know where you are at. If this didn’t apply to you because you are fortunate and have not been hurt, say so!
If you have been hurt and needed to hear this, say so.
If you are confused, or need more encouragement, or time to heal, say so.
Believing this was from the Holy Spirit for you:
di
posted by Di Beals | 12:41 PM
2 Comments:
Hello everyone,
I don't know exactly why, but I feel that I should tell a little bit of my story at least up to this point in my life. I was born into a loving and caring Christian Family, which I am still apart of today, but while growing up I've had to move multiple time due to my father's line of work. At the age of seven I moved from Bothell, WA to Savanah, Gorgia and in that process I lost my best friend, Who's name is Moniqe, and live in Greorgia for about six weeks because we were there very long I didn't make friends; However, I
moved from there to Montreal, Canada where I made another best friend named Amy Cambell, and to this day I don't know where either of these girls are or even what has happened to them. Through it all though my parents and brother have been there. When I was nine years old just before Christmas we moved back to Washington because I moved so many times to different school systems I was behind in all if not most of my classes. I also didn't have friends because by this point I was tired of making friends and then leaving again, and during this process be completely alone all over again. This occured for about three and a half years, yes, I made friends, but like before they would move away and I wouldn't have friends anymore. By the time I was twelve years old my family had found a Church that we could all call home Bethany Christian Assembely where I met Di and Brandon Beals because I was in sixth grade I wasn't allowed to have them as youth pastors, but I still enjoyed having them be apart of my life. I was also homeschooled when I was tweleve because my parents both felt that I wasn't quite ready for junior high the following year, however, my mom got a teaching position at NorthShore Christian Academy where I met Kathy Harwood, My best friend which I still see and spend time with today, and other people that I've gone to Highschool with. When Kathy and I met I made it a point in my life that now matter where I went or even who my friends were that she and I would always remain friends and anyone else that I would keep in contact with them and see them for as much as
possible. This so far has worked; however, I feel that I made this resolution for myself out of fear of being completely alone. By the since I realize that I haven't said this yet, When I started at BCA I didn't believe in Christ eventhough I am raised in a Christian home I didn't have my own relationship with Christ. When I met Kathy I had just given My Heart to Christ, and I am still a Christian today although maybe not a very strong one because I've had my ups and downs all year. Anyway, I have always been able since I moved back to make friends, have time to see and be with them in their time of needing a good friend. This ability, I am thankful for, but I no longer want is fear I very much want rid myself of it, for I feel that it hinders me in some way. I don't, however want to loose my friends or be alone I wish to be free of the fear and still have friends and family that love me for me, be there for me when I need them in times of trouble. I don't know if this makes sense or not, I feel like the fear of being alone is crippling me in some way although I don't know how, I also feel like God is trying to tell me that it's ok to be uncertain about this, but not to be afraid because he is here with me and placed people in my life that will help me in any way possible the best that they can. I'm also confused about why I still carry this fear with me and how it became a fear in the first place... I don't know what to do about it. I hope that you all gain something from what I've written although I have no idea what it could be. Sorry that I've written so much I felt like I had to get it out in the open for all to read.
Thanks,
Shanine Drummen
Church Hurt-
I really wanted to thank Di for listening to the Holy Spirit and writing this week's lesson the way she did. Since I've been a Christian for many years I know have experienced church hurt and it's easy to just "go to church" and not get involved. I'm really trying to get closer to the ladies of Canyon Creek and I had determined to go to the Spotted Cow tonight and then..... the snow came. Next month for sure, I'm there. To be brutally honest I didn't want to go alone. I really don't know that many ladies and I was afraid I would feel dumb walking alone. So that's something I need to work on- Being vunerable. Thank you Di for your persistence in exhorting us- when you said "don't make me sit there alone" I was determined to go...and then the snow. I'll be there next month though. So someone in the Bible study please come too so Di and I don't have to sit there alone!
Thank you Shanine for sharing. I too moved many, many times in my life as I was growing up. It's such a blessing though that now you have great friends, a church family and most importantly The Most Important Friend- Jesus, in your life! His Love is unfailing, He is a friend that we can truly count on, His love is unconditional. We are all working on things that He wants to set us free from. Sharing your story has helped me know you better even though I haven't even met you yet. Looking forward to meeting you.
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