why do i????

I just finished reading the lesson this morning. And there is definitely one thing that really stood out at me. Something that has been a real struggle the past few weeks. Relying on oppression. It seems so wrong. Why would I RELY on oppression? I trust it, depend on it. My life feels right when I am oppressed in some form. Truth, peace, freedom, those things are hard for me to rest in. I feel uneasy, uncomfortable. I have spent most of my life walking in bondage. IT is hard to trust God. I was listening to this song this morning, it says, " WHY DO YOU RUN, WHY DO YOU HIDE? DON'T YOU KNOW I JUST WANT TO BE WITH YOU. AND I'M WAITING FOR YOU...." I feel like God is asking me that. Why are you running? Why are you hiding? I am not here to punish you or hurt you or abandon you. I want to be with you, to show you truth and light and to love you. Rest in that in me.... But my flesh says. no don't trust him. Trust what you know. Trust the familiar. Oppression is your home, your security. I am so afraid, really scared. I love God, but I don't know if I fully trust him. I rebel and await my punishment. Like a little child. At this point in the bible study, is where I would typically quit. I am feeling challenged and hesitant. I just want to run and hide. Wallow in the oppression that God so badly wants to set me free of.