Change of Heart
This week’s lesson was a hard one for me. Yet, like every other week, it was exactly what I needed to hear. As hard as the lesson was, though, this post was even harder.
I have had a really tough time this week with depression. It was my birthday, and I think I always look at myself during that time and evaluate harshly. This year, I had a goal for losing weight by my birthday. Obviously, with my foot problems, I didn’t make that goal. The foot thing was another reason for the depression. What seemed like a simple sprained ankle has turned into almost 5 months of misery (with no near end in sight!).
Combined with other issues, I had convinced myself that I was alone this week. Andy didn’t understand. And God? Well, God could have healed my ankle a long time ago. Okay, so maybe He was trying to teach me something, like patience, but isn’t 5 months a long enough lesson? I’ve had my struggles, but overall I have been extremely patient with this.
The worst is, as I sit here typing this, I feel completely embarrassed. If you look back to my entry last week, you have to wonder how I could fall so far. I had this wonderful day where I KNEW God loved me. And then, because of circumstances, I let that turn to questioning. “Why doesn’t He love me enough to heal me?” “Why do I feel like no one understands?”
The sad thing is, He sent me signs all week to let me know I wasn’t alone and that He did love me. At fusion group, someone prayed for me and it was with perfect understanding of how I was feeling about my ankle. I didn’t say anything, so how could she know, except that God spoke through her? I remember thinking one day: if only the rain would clear for my birthday. Both times I ventured out of the house, the sky opened up and the sun shone brightly. I didn’t tell anyone, but I desperately wanted flowers for my birthday. God led not one but THREE people to give them to me! And then there were the endless calls all day long from family and friends wishing me a happy birthday.
So when I finally got a chance to read the lesson this morning, I was slapped in the face with it. I had sinned. There’s no way to get around it. And for that, for letting my difficult circumstances dictate my belief, I am truly ashamed. I am so thankful that He loves me anyway.
I tell this to be honest, but also to be held accountable. Like I said, there is no clear end in sight for this ankle thing. In fact, they gave me a shot for it yesterday, and all it has done is make it hurt worse. But God loves me, despite my injury, despite my weight, despite it all. I want to think that I will remember that always. But the change from last week to this one is proof enough that I’m still far from perfect. So, as I continue to deal with all this junk, could you all hold me accountable? If I start to wallow in it, remind me of this post.
I am NOT alone. Someone DOES understand. I AM loved. Everything else doesn’t matter.
I have had a really tough time this week with depression. It was my birthday, and I think I always look at myself during that time and evaluate harshly. This year, I had a goal for losing weight by my birthday. Obviously, with my foot problems, I didn’t make that goal. The foot thing was another reason for the depression. What seemed like a simple sprained ankle has turned into almost 5 months of misery (with no near end in sight!).
Combined with other issues, I had convinced myself that I was alone this week. Andy didn’t understand. And God? Well, God could have healed my ankle a long time ago. Okay, so maybe He was trying to teach me something, like patience, but isn’t 5 months a long enough lesson? I’ve had my struggles, but overall I have been extremely patient with this.
The worst is, as I sit here typing this, I feel completely embarrassed. If you look back to my entry last week, you have to wonder how I could fall so far. I had this wonderful day where I KNEW God loved me. And then, because of circumstances, I let that turn to questioning. “Why doesn’t He love me enough to heal me?” “Why do I feel like no one understands?”
The sad thing is, He sent me signs all week to let me know I wasn’t alone and that He did love me. At fusion group, someone prayed for me and it was with perfect understanding of how I was feeling about my ankle. I didn’t say anything, so how could she know, except that God spoke through her? I remember thinking one day: if only the rain would clear for my birthday. Both times I ventured out of the house, the sky opened up and the sun shone brightly. I didn’t tell anyone, but I desperately wanted flowers for my birthday. God led not one but THREE people to give them to me! And then there were the endless calls all day long from family and friends wishing me a happy birthday.
So when I finally got a chance to read the lesson this morning, I was slapped in the face with it. I had sinned. There’s no way to get around it. And for that, for letting my difficult circumstances dictate my belief, I am truly ashamed. I am so thankful that He loves me anyway.
I tell this to be honest, but also to be held accountable. Like I said, there is no clear end in sight for this ankle thing. In fact, they gave me a shot for it yesterday, and all it has done is make it hurt worse. But God loves me, despite my injury, despite my weight, despite it all. I want to think that I will remember that always. But the change from last week to this one is proof enough that I’m still far from perfect. So, as I continue to deal with all this junk, could you all hold me accountable? If I start to wallow in it, remind me of this post.
I am NOT alone. Someone DOES understand. I AM loved. Everything else doesn’t matter.
posted by Sonya Day | 11:47 AM
4 Comments:
That is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read; ever. Thank you for your honesty Sonya, your Savior's heart swells with love for you.
Happy Birthday Late!
Thank you for writing down your honest thoughts and feelings. It is truly blessing to me to know that other people struggle with the the same stuff and we are not alone. It's funny because Angela and i were just talking last night about how we see those sun bursts and think, Thank you God for loving me. We both thought we were the only ones!
Rachel
Thank you for sharing your life with us. It's hard to figure out why God lets us go through things...illness, injuries, etc. To learn more about His unfailing love for us? In the lesson Beth talked about the different types of security we can have if we trust Him...in His leadership, Our Salvation, His Mercy, His comfort, and His defense. If we truly trust Him we'll have comfort during our illnesses and injuries? I'm in my second week of the "flu" and I find it VERY hard to sit around and trust in His comfort but actually I think that's exactly what He wants me to do.
Thanks again for sharing- and enjoy your Birthday week!
Sonya, week after week you completely amze and challenge me. I had another week of not reading the lesson. I was just going to bag it for this week. And then I read your post. Your honesty and persistence is inspiring!! Thank you!!
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