Feelings of Failure
Strongholds. I can think of a couple that I am dealing with right now. I'm going to try to be as honest as possible. The first thing I have been struggling with lately is money. There never seems to be enough. I truly am not making enough money right now to even pay my bills. Then unexpectedly I am needing to find another place to live, and guess what? I have no money for that. I am looking for a full time job, but that is a process, and in the meantime I am totally and completely stressed. Because money is so tight it is very easy for me not to tithe, and so I haven't in a very long time. I was able to justify it. Until recently. I decided that I am going to tithe no matter what and just trust God that since I am being obedient He will provide for me. How can I pray to Him to provide for me when I'm not giving Him what is rightfully His? How incredibly arrogant of me! I'm used to being able to provide for myself and being on my own. The fact that I'm not doing a very good job at that right now makes me feel very inadequate and often like a failure. There is hardly a moment in the day when I'm not thinking about all the things I have to pay and how on earth I'm going to do it. I've given it to God. All I can do is be faithful.
The other thing I have struggled with lately is the feeling that I am all alone. I know logically that I am not. I've noticed through the years that I seem to attract people who really are not there for me when I need them. I am there for them...listen to them and do pretty much anything for them. Yet when I am going through something they're nowhere to be found. I don't know, it just makes me tired. And it makes me frustrated and turns into something that I am irritated about all the time. I'm working on learning how to discern who is a good person to have in my life and who isn't. I'm getting better and becoming more aware. I know it's important to have Godly people in my life holding me accountable, and I am thankful for those that I do have. I just wish I didn't have the frustration of the others. I have given it to God. I can't do it on my own anymore.
That is one thing I have decided. I just can't do it on my own. I have tried. Put forth a valiant effort but it just hasn't worked. Who knows how many hardships I could have avoided if I had just trusted God more from the beginning. All I can do is place everything from this point forward in His hands. I can rest in that. That gives me hope.
The other thing I have struggled with lately is the feeling that I am all alone. I know logically that I am not. I've noticed through the years that I seem to attract people who really are not there for me when I need them. I am there for them...listen to them and do pretty much anything for them. Yet when I am going through something they're nowhere to be found. I don't know, it just makes me tired. And it makes me frustrated and turns into something that I am irritated about all the time. I'm working on learning how to discern who is a good person to have in my life and who isn't. I'm getting better and becoming more aware. I know it's important to have Godly people in my life holding me accountable, and I am thankful for those that I do have. I just wish I didn't have the frustration of the others. I have given it to God. I can't do it on my own anymore.
That is one thing I have decided. I just can't do it on my own. I have tried. Put forth a valiant effort but it just hasn't worked. Who knows how many hardships I could have avoided if I had just trusted God more from the beginning. All I can do is place everything from this point forward in His hands. I can rest in that. That gives me hope.
posted by Anonymous | 2:49 PM
3 Comments:
Thank you for sharing your heart Erika. I wrote a really long comment but then I had trouble signing in and lost it. So I'll just say this..God is Faithful. He'll never fail you. Keep trusting Him for all your needs. You'll be amazed at the things He does on your behalf. It's certainly not easy sometimes...you are not alone though!! You are a blessing!
It's funny...we're quite similar. We should get some coffee sometime and talk about it.
I struggle with feeling alone in my very busy schedule, as well. I think what you are going through is so universal. We are so busy working, running from this to that, we don't have time to cultivate our support system. I feel so much more motivated to memorize scripture, lean on God for my loneliness, win the battle against Satan after reading Beth Moore's comments about the stronghold of the mind. I am not so apt to take for granted a kind word from a stranger, a phone call out of the blue from a friend, I think sometimes we entertain angels unaware :). That's a nice thought! You have really hit on a topic that so many women are going through. Thanks for being open and honest. I too, would love to meet you.
Post a Comment
<< Home