I didn't really believe
I felt really encouraged when I read the comments from my last blog. It's nice to know that you guys care even if I haven't met you yet! I'm pretty sure that I cried while I read them. Anyway just a quick update, my mom said last week was a better week, my dad wasn't drunk the whole time so that's good. Also they went to a marraige seminar at their church over the weekend and my mom also said that went really well. She asked that I pray that they are somehow able to get some counseling, they can't afford to go to a professional. Even to talk to another couple or something like that would help. My mom also said she could tell that people were praying for them last week so thank you all. My sister and I are still going to talk to him on Saturday so keep us in your prayers.
Onto the study! This one kind of hit home for me. Especially the part where she talked about us being able to believe that God has unfailing love for the people around us but we have a really hard time believing that He loves us just as much. I know about Gods love but I don't feel like I deserve it. In the last 5 years or so I've gone on and off with God. When I was at basic training for the Army I really relied on God let me tell you. There are some things that most people say are impossible...that the army does on a regular basis. I'm giving God the credit that I even survived...and graduated. Then I went to my AIT (job training) and that wasn't too tough so I went out into the world for a while not really even thinking about God, except on Sundays to go back and repent...again. Once I finished that a year later, I was back at home living with mom and dad. Part time job, no rent, those were the good old days. I started massage school 4 months later because I was bored out of my mind and I still had no idea what I wanted to do with my life (still don't have a set plan, mostly because I know it's not really up to me). There I met one of the best friends that I had ever had. She was a Christian and got me back into the swing of things. She was the first person I ever really confided in and trusted. I could tell her everything. That was all good until about a year into it. then I really started to see that this was not a healthy relationship but I tried to hold on with all my might because it was pretty much all I had. Even the people around me were like, "why are you even her friend she treats you like crap?" I endured a lot of things most sane people would walk away from. Somewhere in the middle God got left out my life and our friendship was what I was clinging onto to sustain me...When that didn't work I went looking for other things and other people and lets just say not the right ones. During this last year was the worst of the friendship and I was depressed and lonely. I couldn't see why God wouldn't fix it. Now I realize it's because I wouldn't trust Him to. I didn't really believe that He loved me enough to do much of anything in my life.
I was the one that went out into the desert hoping that there might be something better for me there. A shortcut to the good stuff. I fell so hard I couldn't pick myself back up. I thank God that He let me walk through that so that now I can see that He is the one who sustains me, that He is all that I need. I still have some scar tissue to deal with but at least I've got the Great Physician/Surgeon...is it ok to make up names for God? I only pray that next time I'll recognize the signs earlier and remember.
Onto the study! This one kind of hit home for me. Especially the part where she talked about us being able to believe that God has unfailing love for the people around us but we have a really hard time believing that He loves us just as much. I know about Gods love but I don't feel like I deserve it. In the last 5 years or so I've gone on and off with God. When I was at basic training for the Army I really relied on God let me tell you. There are some things that most people say are impossible...that the army does on a regular basis. I'm giving God the credit that I even survived...and graduated. Then I went to my AIT (job training) and that wasn't too tough so I went out into the world for a while not really even thinking about God, except on Sundays to go back and repent...again. Once I finished that a year later, I was back at home living with mom and dad. Part time job, no rent, those were the good old days. I started massage school 4 months later because I was bored out of my mind and I still had no idea what I wanted to do with my life (still don't have a set plan, mostly because I know it's not really up to me). There I met one of the best friends that I had ever had. She was a Christian and got me back into the swing of things. She was the first person I ever really confided in and trusted. I could tell her everything. That was all good until about a year into it. then I really started to see that this was not a healthy relationship but I tried to hold on with all my might because it was pretty much all I had. Even the people around me were like, "why are you even her friend she treats you like crap?" I endured a lot of things most sane people would walk away from. Somewhere in the middle God got left out my life and our friendship was what I was clinging onto to sustain me...When that didn't work I went looking for other things and other people and lets just say not the right ones. During this last year was the worst of the friendship and I was depressed and lonely. I couldn't see why God wouldn't fix it. Now I realize it's because I wouldn't trust Him to. I didn't really believe that He loved me enough to do much of anything in my life.
I was the one that went out into the desert hoping that there might be something better for me there. A shortcut to the good stuff. I fell so hard I couldn't pick myself back up. I thank God that He let me walk through that so that now I can see that He is the one who sustains me, that He is all that I need. I still have some scar tissue to deal with but at least I've got the Great Physician/Surgeon...is it ok to make up names for God? I only pray that next time I'll recognize the signs earlier and remember.
posted by Glo | 9:06 PM
2 Comments:
My word, Gloria, you sound just like me. I had the same experience with a friend...at least a very similar one. We were BEST friends...we met at church, did everything together and had a lot of fun. Then we moved to Chicago together...bad move. Everyone around me was telling me not to do it, but I was stubborn and didn't listen. I hit rock bottom, 2,000 miles away from everyone I knew and everyone who cared about me. I was in a horrible place with God, I wasn't going to church, and had never felt more alone in my life. I've gradually gotten back to where I once was and I can honestly say that I am stronger than ever...amazing how hardships can do that to ya! :) It's good to know other people understand! I think you're awesome...I don't know you well, but I will be praying. Thanks for your honesty, that takes guts!
I totally identify with what you were saying. Especially the temptation of the desert!!! Thank you for sharing. I was actually going to skip doing this weeks chapter, but after I read your post it encouraged me to get moving! So thanks!
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