Finding Peace
Some people say "never look back," but I have to sometimes. I look back at my whole life and there are certain points in my life where I remember thinking, "I am never going to survive this..." and hey look! I'm still here! God knows what He's doing! That's how I find my peace today, by looking back.
I did not grow up as a Christian (I may have said that before). I never knew what it really was to have Jesus in my life. It took brute force (the divorce) to get me on my knees and acknowledge that He is indeed the only one I need. I was one who always wanted what I did not have, but never wanted what I did have. I said things like, "if I could just date so-and-so my life would be perfect..." and "things will be so much better once I'm married..." I was always in a rush to get to the next stage of my life. When I did get married (and things weren't going so well) is when I would say, "things will get better once we have kids..." Well, no...not so much. Thankfully we did not have kids. That goes back to God knowing what He's doing. While married I wondered what it would be like to be married to someone who cherished me; someone who loved me. A wife should not have those thoughts.
Looking back, I was in such a rush to get married that I married the first guy who wanted to be married as badly as I did. We didn't take the time to find out what our favorite foods were, let alone build a friendship to last a lifetime. I think the pain of Floyd leaving was not so much losing Floyd - not even so much the betrayal - but what I thought I wanted so much out of life (a marriage) was being taken away. No, it wasn't a good marriage, but I was married, and I went in with the intent that it was for life - for better or worse, richer or poorer - whether he loved me or not.
Looking at it now, that is something I never want to do again. I still have the desire to be married, but I know that's not my sole purpose on this earth. I know it's okay to have that desire, I believe God gave me that desire, and because He gave it to me, he will fulfill it, in His time. I believe He will fulfill that desire with someone who will cherish me, who will love me, and who will think of me as his treasure. With that knowledge I do have peace and am more able to be patient. It takes daily prayer and reminding for the patience, but the peace remains. I realize now that the attitude I had "BC" was because I did not know Him, so I could not know peace. I wasn't searching for a husband, a family or even friends, I was searching for peace. I just didn't know it.
My peace is not just about a life partner though, my peace remains when I look back on all that I have been through and knowing that I've learned something from every experience, every time of suffering and every time of joy. The peace comes with knowing that bad life experiences are not in vain, and the good ones are (and even the bad ones can be) a blessing. Knowing that having gone through my darkest days, I'm still here, alive and kickin', and He stayed by my side, and even carried me at times. Knowing we have a God so awesome that He will take on the task of bringing us through our valley and bring us back into the sunshine. My peace comes with knowing that in the inevitable trials, suffering, and persecution still yet to come, the Lord will always be there. That's where I find my peace.
I did not grow up as a Christian (I may have said that before). I never knew what it really was to have Jesus in my life. It took brute force (the divorce) to get me on my knees and acknowledge that He is indeed the only one I need. I was one who always wanted what I did not have, but never wanted what I did have. I said things like, "if I could just date so-and-so my life would be perfect..." and "things will be so much better once I'm married..." I was always in a rush to get to the next stage of my life. When I did get married (and things weren't going so well) is when I would say, "things will get better once we have kids..." Well, no...not so much. Thankfully we did not have kids. That goes back to God knowing what He's doing. While married I wondered what it would be like to be married to someone who cherished me; someone who loved me. A wife should not have those thoughts.
Looking back, I was in such a rush to get married that I married the first guy who wanted to be married as badly as I did. We didn't take the time to find out what our favorite foods were, let alone build a friendship to last a lifetime. I think the pain of Floyd leaving was not so much losing Floyd - not even so much the betrayal - but what I thought I wanted so much out of life (a marriage) was being taken away. No, it wasn't a good marriage, but I was married, and I went in with the intent that it was for life - for better or worse, richer or poorer - whether he loved me or not.
Looking at it now, that is something I never want to do again. I still have the desire to be married, but I know that's not my sole purpose on this earth. I know it's okay to have that desire, I believe God gave me that desire, and because He gave it to me, he will fulfill it, in His time. I believe He will fulfill that desire with someone who will cherish me, who will love me, and who will think of me as his treasure. With that knowledge I do have peace and am more able to be patient. It takes daily prayer and reminding for the patience, but the peace remains. I realize now that the attitude I had "BC" was because I did not know Him, so I could not know peace. I wasn't searching for a husband, a family or even friends, I was searching for peace. I just didn't know it.
My peace is not just about a life partner though, my peace remains when I look back on all that I have been through and knowing that I've learned something from every experience, every time of suffering and every time of joy. The peace comes with knowing that bad life experiences are not in vain, and the good ones are (and even the bad ones can be) a blessing. Knowing that having gone through my darkest days, I'm still here, alive and kickin', and He stayed by my side, and even carried me at times. Knowing we have a God so awesome that He will take on the task of bringing us through our valley and bring us back into the sunshine. My peace comes with knowing that in the inevitable trials, suffering, and persecution still yet to come, the Lord will always be there. That's where I find my peace.
posted by Mari | 8:07 AM
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