Struggling with TRUST
I struggle with TRUST. I struggle with giving myself away, giving my money away, giving my time away, and TRUSTING GOD to bless me for it. I even struggle with giving time to God… Brandon’s challenge this year, to make it “not about me” is one of the greatest challenges for me. Not to mention the “year through the Bible” study I’m doing which has asked me to “Imagine for a moment that God has appeared to you to announce you will no longer be permitted to hold down a paying job or own property. Instead, you are to spend your full time in his service, and your compensation will be whatever your countrymen give to the Lord! Would that comfort or concern you?” Well, that concerns me in two ways – I know that it is my responsibility to give faithfully for the livelihood of those in the church and I also feel He may be calling me to missions work but I’m scared.
Now that I’m making my own living again, and am responsible for my own bills, my own credit, and my own rent and food, etc., I find it very difficult to let go of what I have, because I’ve been without and I don’t want to be. I’m scared to let go of what I might need. I was able to budget in tithing and money for the Vision Fund, and I do give those gladly, but I am still scared to give above and beyond that. I even struggle with “spoiling” myself, even if it’s for things I need, like clothes, a financial class, or a women’s retreat, for fear I won’t be able to make a payment on a bill later. I am afraid to look for a job that I will like, because of the security of the job that I am in – even though I don’t like it. I’m afraid to get excited about doing mission work, because I don’t know how I would “survive.”
I didn’t grow up with a lot. I don’t remember a time when my parents weren’t struggling to make ends meet. When my mom passed away that made it even harder on my dad and he started working a lot of overtime. My younger brother and I both got jobs before we were sixteen in order to help with groceries and so we’d have lunch money and spending money. When I was in the military I didn’t manage money or time well, nor was I ever taught to (nor did I seek guidance). Toward the end of my second tour I started to understand, and I did get to the point where I would have been totally debt free in about six months. Then I met my now ex-husband and I went from being six months from financial freedom to filing for bankruptcy a year later. I’m still not sure how or why that happened, but it did.
This ties into our study of 2 Chronicles 26-28 and the effects our actions have on our children. If my parents could have foreseen how all of their kids would struggle financially, I wonder if they would have been more responsible with their money and teach us how to manage ours when the time came (my mom did try to save, but my dad was a spender). If they could have foreseen what their children’s lives would be like without any godly influence and how much we would struggle to find our places, I wonder if they would have stayed involved in the church. If they could have foreseen how much we long to have the affections we never got from them, and the mistakes we would make in order to try to find that, I wonder if they would have given more time to us.
The reality of all this is that I want my kids to have a good role model – me (and their father). Therefore, like one of my favorite songs says, “I want to be just like Him, cause he wants to be like me”, but I want to be just like Him, because I want them to want to be just like me. I don’t want to be like my parents. So, my struggle is ultimately in SEEKING and TRUSTING GOD. To have a giving heart, a giving spirit, and TRUST in the Lord’s promise to be our provider; to strive to be like Jesus and TRUST the Lord to come through on all his promises. I don’t want to blame my childhood for my shortcomings; I know that my childhood doesn’t define me, but it does remind me of what I wished my parent’s could have been like. I want to know that in SEEKING the Lord and TRUSTING Him, and LOVING him, I can be that person my kids will look up to. I’m glad I’m participating in this study before I have kids, so I can continually remind myself to become that person before they get here.
Now that I’m making my own living again, and am responsible for my own bills, my own credit, and my own rent and food, etc., I find it very difficult to let go of what I have, because I’ve been without and I don’t want to be. I’m scared to let go of what I might need. I was able to budget in tithing and money for the Vision Fund, and I do give those gladly, but I am still scared to give above and beyond that. I even struggle with “spoiling” myself, even if it’s for things I need, like clothes, a financial class, or a women’s retreat, for fear I won’t be able to make a payment on a bill later. I am afraid to look for a job that I will like, because of the security of the job that I am in – even though I don’t like it. I’m afraid to get excited about doing mission work, because I don’t know how I would “survive.”
I didn’t grow up with a lot. I don’t remember a time when my parents weren’t struggling to make ends meet. When my mom passed away that made it even harder on my dad and he started working a lot of overtime. My younger brother and I both got jobs before we were sixteen in order to help with groceries and so we’d have lunch money and spending money. When I was in the military I didn’t manage money or time well, nor was I ever taught to (nor did I seek guidance). Toward the end of my second tour I started to understand, and I did get to the point where I would have been totally debt free in about six months. Then I met my now ex-husband and I went from being six months from financial freedom to filing for bankruptcy a year later. I’m still not sure how or why that happened, but it did.
This ties into our study of 2 Chronicles 26-28 and the effects our actions have on our children. If my parents could have foreseen how all of their kids would struggle financially, I wonder if they would have been more responsible with their money and teach us how to manage ours when the time came (my mom did try to save, but my dad was a spender). If they could have foreseen what their children’s lives would be like without any godly influence and how much we would struggle to find our places, I wonder if they would have stayed involved in the church. If they could have foreseen how much we long to have the affections we never got from them, and the mistakes we would make in order to try to find that, I wonder if they would have given more time to us.
The reality of all this is that I want my kids to have a good role model – me (and their father). Therefore, like one of my favorite songs says, “I want to be just like Him, cause he wants to be like me”, but I want to be just like Him, because I want them to want to be just like me. I don’t want to be like my parents. So, my struggle is ultimately in SEEKING and TRUSTING GOD. To have a giving heart, a giving spirit, and TRUST in the Lord’s promise to be our provider; to strive to be like Jesus and TRUST the Lord to come through on all his promises. I don’t want to blame my childhood for my shortcomings; I know that my childhood doesn’t define me, but it does remind me of what I wished my parent’s could have been like. I want to know that in SEEKING the Lord and TRUSTING Him, and LOVING him, I can be that person my kids will look up to. I’m glad I’m participating in this study before I have kids, so I can continually remind myself to become that person before they get here.
posted by Mari | 11:47 AM
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